Saturday, October 17, 2009

A day in the life

Sometimes I feel so sorry for gun-grabbers that I gotsa give 'em a bone by confirming their deepest desires.



I woke up this morning in a drunken stupor and a bad mood. My neighbor's dog was barking at some bird, so I shot him with a .50 cal. The exploding guts was fantastic and actually gave me a full erection, which I amused myself with until it went all splody on me.

I was a bit low on groceries so my breakfast consisted of pan fried oysters on some sour-dough bread with a bit of Thousand-Island sauce. I rounded it all out with the limited remnants of my neighbor's dead dog smothered in BBQ sauce atop some seasoned Jasmine rice.

Then I slaughtered my other neighbor who dresses up like a nun every sunday. She wasn't all that enthusiastic about my ventures but she did warm up a bit after I set her face on fire.

Checking the pantry, I realized that I was even lower on dog and cat food. Already knowing the high cost of feeding these beasts, I mutilated and killed my other neighbor and stole their pet supplies.

I still needed a bit of food for my own tummy so I grabbed my CCW permit and my .357 magnum and went to the local grocery store.

My local grocery store is a "gun-free zone" so I didn't need to waste any time clipping coupons. I loaded up on the basics like shrimp baskets and garlic infused pork products.

Two of the employees had a problem with me simply rolling the full cart out the door withour paying for it. I shot one in the face and the other in the back as she was running awaying screaming something about "I never thought this could happen here."

They didn't have any chew toys for my dog, so I made a seperate murderous spree for those.

By the time I made it back home, the SWAT team was already assembled in an area where my dog poops. My first thought was that these guys are NOT coming inside my house unless they scrape their shoes.

Shootout ensues, blah blah blah; but their service pistols were no match for my freakishly small penis inspired AK-47.

Had a good dinner.

10 comments:

Weer'd Beard said...

Hah Great job!

One critique. We don't have "CCW permits" we have CCW Badges! And we think they make us Cops!

heh

Chas said...

Markie Marxist sez: "Ha! Ha! Gotcha! You rednecks are all alike! You're just itching to murder somebody! I knew it! That's why we have to ban your guns. And so we can take over the world. But mostly because of you people. Not really because we want to take over the world; that's just a coincidence. It's because of you people. That's why."

kaveman said...

For those who don't understand the "CCW badge" comment, an anti poster over at MikeB's site claimed that we receive CCW badges.

But she's from England...and a total bitch.

Thirdpower said...

Yep. Gun control advocates would prefer us to have some sort of badge to clearly identify us.

Something like this perhaps?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Judenstern_JMW.jpg

Bob S. said...

Why didn't you also mention the cars you shot up because they didn't get out of your way soon enough?

No one with a CCW permit would be able to control himself/herself in the face of such provocation.

And when exactly did you stop beating your wife?

I think with the others, we've just about covered every scenario.

BobG said...

You forgot the part about being a drunk and a racist, doesn't that go along with being a gun owner?

kaveman said...

"You forgot the part about being a drunk and a racist, doesn't that go along with being a gun owner?"

I left those parts out because it's just common sense.

For example, my other hobby is throwing empty beer bottles at minorities.

If I manage to actually hit one of the "mud people" I always high-five myself while raping an apple pie.

The granular cinnamon friction is fantastic.

I am the NRA.

Weer'd Beard said...

http://lacithedog.blogspot.com/2009/10/what-fools-these-mortals-be.html

Oh it gets better, she rambles on for a page-and-a-half about what an idiot I am....and then links a page where you can buy badges with nothing more than a credit card.

Hmmmm and you wonder why I laughed!

I love it when they do all the leg work for me!

Thirdpower said...

And now she's trying to defend "Bellisilles work based on fabricated research.

She must be a graduate of the Dan Rather "Fake But Accurate" School of Law.

Weer'd Beard said...

I suspect she's the same type of lawyer as that fat guy with a pony tail and fatigues at the gun shop is a Navy SEAL.

Just sayin'