For my own protection and yours, I must announce that everything that follows is total 100% satire…the real reason Helmke, Hennigan, and Hamm all got the boot from the Brady Bunch.
This is a transcript of a 3-way phone call between the three in early 2008.
Dennis: Hey Paul, I heard the meeting with the board didn’t go so well.
Paul: Yeah well, they want a real grass roots movement. It’s kind of ironic, really. When I came on board, they just wanted a few loyal donors with deep pockets but now I think they’re realizing that’s a liability if too many of them start viewing the organization as being ineffective. They want a broader base of support from people who have some skin in the game, namely the victims of gun violence.
Peter: Uh…poor people don’t have any money, and from a public relations stand point, they don’t come across very well in front of a camera regardless of how heartbreaking their story is. We need middle class soccer moms, white picket fences and piano lessons.
Paul: Well, the board has a different vision sad to say.
Dennis: And that would be?
Paul: Sarah said she managed to contact the POTUS soon after the election and pitch our 100 day plan proposal. Despite his passion, he was hesitant to start off his legacy with this issue but promised to load his cabinet with the who’s who of gun control and let nature take it‘s course when the opportunity presented itself. He also planted the idea seed of collecting $5 from a million people rather than 1 million from 5 people.
Peter: We’ve tried that before and it didn’t work.
Dennis: Well it doesn’t have to be either/or, we need revenue from every possible source.
Peter: And we need it to sell well in front of a camera.
Paul: I agree, which is why the board’s plan might actually work. We hide behind the rich, make money off the poor and scare everyone who’s in the middle.
Paul: We’re going to start selling guns to criminals.
Dennis: Come again, Paul?
Peter: Say what?
Paul: Hear me out; as soon as cabinet level appointments are made, we’ll have some unspoken assurances that the Justice Dept, the State Dept and the ATF will shield us from any liability. We make money, gun violence increases and the middle class will scream for more gun laws; it’s the only way.