Urban fashion

In addition to my normal gig, I'm designing some new clothing lines as a side income. 

What I do when I'm bored

Even though I don’t post very often, I’m probably on the computer more than most since I stopped watching TV back in 2001. I web surf, watch movies online and entertain myself with you tube videos. I’m always annoyed at the pop-up adverts that supposedly display products that I “should” be interested in.

Epic fail…but I bounce around like a house fly with attention deficit disorder so I can’t really blame the techno geeks who came up with the algorithm. A friend of a friend of mine works at google so I decided to call him one night about some ideas I had.

I was all set to talk about how to make the adverts more relevant but as soon as I punched in the last digit, my brain created perhaps the best idea I’ve had in years.

Here’s a transcript of the conversation.

Google tech: Hello?
Kaveman: Howdy, we have a mutual friend XXXXX, he gave me your number and I was hoping to pitch an idea you might be interested in which I believe would target a huge audience for adverts who are not only currently ignored but actually offended by the results of your current algorithm.
Tech: OK, were always searching for improvements but our algorithm is pretty rock solid; I’m trying to imagine how the results could actually offend anyone since it feeds directly off their search patterns.
Kaveman: I understand…let me explain. I work for a major non profit organization which advocates for gun control laws. Universal background checks, assault weapon bans, registration mandates and anything else we can think of.
Tech: OK, go on.
Kaveman: I spend a lot of time bouncing around websites like the Brady Campaign, CSGV, MAIG, VPC, Everytown Action Alliance, etc keeping up to date trying to coordinate our message and the adverts that pop up on my screen are nothing but offers to buy guns, take self defense gun training classes, gun cleaning products and so on.
Tech: OK, I’m listening.
Kaveman: Well, I’m terrified even looking at a picture of a gun and the concept of taking a training class to learn how to kill is abhorrent to me. Not that you’re actually responsible but I also have irritable bowel syndrome and I have, on occasion, actually shit myself after viewing the adverts bombarding me.
Tech: Uh…OK…sorry to hear that…what was that idea you had?
Kaveman: Your algorithm thinks I want to see adverts about firearms but as an advocate for gun control, I want the exact opposite. I want to see anti-gun products.
Tech: Such as?
Kaveman: We like candles and walking around in a big circle, so maybe some comfortable shoe adverts. We also like big pieces of cardboard and black felt markers. Antacids and pepto-bismal are always good and some stain resistant underwear would be much more effective than trying to sells us death machines.
Tech: How about flowers, kleenex and tiny caskets made for children?
Kaveman: Now you’re talking my language.
Tech: Well I have to admit, you raise a good point and I’ll bring this up at the next brainstorming session and see if we can’t build some code for people who research a product they oppose. Never really thought of that before so I thank you.
Kaveman: And toilet paper…we love soft toilet paper.
Tech: OK sir, have a nice day.

So I guess we’ll see how this all pans out.

Through the looking glass...

For my own protection and yours, I must announce that everything that follows is total 100% satire…the real reason Helmke, Hennigan, and Hamm all got the boot from the Brady Bunch.

This is a transcript of a 3-way phone call between the three in early 2008.

Dennis: Hey Paul, I heard the meeting with the board didn’t go so well.
Paul: Yeah well, they want a real grass roots movement. It’s kind of ironic, really. When I came on board, they just wanted a few loyal donors with deep pockets but now I think they’re realizing that’s a liability if too many of them start viewing the organization as being ineffective. They want a broader base of support from people who have some skin in the game, namely the victims of gun violence.
Peter: Uh…poor people don’t have any money, and from a public relations stand point, they don’t come across very well in front of a camera regardless of how heartbreaking their story is. We need middle class soccer moms, white picket fences and piano lessons.
Paul: Well, the board has a different vision sad to say.
Dennis: And that would be?
Paul: Sarah said she managed to contact the POTUS soon after the election and pitch our 100 day plan proposal. Despite his passion, he was hesitant to start off his legacy with this issue but promised to load his cabinet with the who’s who of gun control and let nature take it‘s course when the opportunity presented itself. He also planted the idea seed of collecting $5 from a million people rather than 1 million from 5 people.
Peter: We’ve tried that before and it didn’t work.
Dennis: Well it doesn’t have to be either/or, we need revenue from every possible source.
Peter: And we need it to sell well in front of a camera.
Paul: I agree, which is why the board’s plan might actually work. We hide behind the rich, make money off the poor and scare everyone who’s in the middle.

?????????????????????????????????????????????

Paul: We’re going to start selling guns to criminals.
Dennis: Come again, Paul?
Peter: Say what?

Paul: Hear me out; as soon as cabinet level appointments are made, we’ll have some unspoken assurances that the Justice Dept, the State Dept and the ATF will shield us from any liability. We make money, gun violence increases and the middle class will scream for more gun laws; it’s the only way.

Side job

Wow, coming up with a blog post once a year is brutal.

In all seriousness(or total satire), I’ve been mad busy the last 12 months sifting through PRISM data for my Uncle Steven. People might think all this crap is sooper top secret only visible to the highest echelons of the “intelligence community,” but the naked truth is that family members of those in positions of power can score some pretty sweet gigs and make a decent secondary income. I have a regular job, but coming home and getting paid to drink beer, listen to “private” telephone calls and read everyone’s else’s “private” emails is kind of intoxicating in itself. It’s already public knowledge that most of this information gathering is handled by third party contractors; what isn’t commonly known is that little old ladies trying to supplement their social security checks, college students trying to pay off their loans and bored nephews like me get paid to sift through this cesspool of phone sex, stupid cat videos and Amway chain letters in the comfort of their own home.

I mean, if you stop and really think about it, the interweb tubes are very very not small and there’s just no way to sift through all that crap WITHOUT us.

The guidelines are a little vague on what to report…for good reason. Most “evil doers” don’t come right out and announce their intentions; they use cryptic language, innuendos and code speak in their communications. Some of them are even clever enough to state right off the bat that everything that follows is satire.

So initially, I didn’t exactly have my pick of the bundle I was to review. A bundle is code for an association, or network or anything that has a formal structure. Lone Wolves are both an anomaly and rare. True threats exercise the power rooted in the organizational structure behind them. If you’re a social loser with no friends on Facebook, no friends on Skype and no friends in the meat world, then…well…noone cares about you so why should we?

Having said that, if you’re a social recluse and avoid unnecessary human contact, then we might just have a job opening for you.

It cuts both ways.

It took some doing but I finally convinced my handlers that the Brady Bunch, the VPC, CSGV, GNG, PEG and the gaggle of others are just front groups for the NRA, which is a potential threat to the powers that be.

You need to read this for the background…

What comes next will blow your mind...the internal "private" phone calls and emails of the antis. I have to be careful, but you need to know.

Tentacles

I was listening to my local Public Radio station and they were interviewing an author about his latest crime novel. Blah, blah and more blah.

Regardless of the question asked, his central theme was that he made every effort to visit the actual locations he was writing about, talk to real people who did the jobs his characters did and basically just do some honest research to lend some credibility to the stories he wrote.

He gave a few examples of receiving letters/emails/tweets from his readers about some detail he got wrong about a particular building or whatever and then he chuckled and said...

"But nothing generates more critiques from my readers than when I get something wrong about guns."

We've all had great fun pointing out "movie mistakes" on all things firearm related and I thought it interesting that people would take the time to write this guy about incorrect gun info more than any other topic.

Although he didn't mention it outright, I could hear in his voice that he wasn't a gunny but knew he had to take a few trips to the range before writing his next book.

The next mole...

Name: Mr. kaveman
Address: American
Phone: 1-800-gun-bans

Education

 I finally got smart enough and quit any sort of former schooling after that wench Suzie Campbell wouldn’t share the lego pile. My parents taught me how to read via Seseme Street and memorizing the recipes on cans of Cheese Whiz. My education today consists primarily of following Twitter feeds of Hollywood action stars.

Job History:

1989 June 27th-July 3rd. I worked the fry station at McDonalds and got fired for throwing boiling oil in some Indian chicks face for marrying outside of her caste.

Qualifications for working at the Brady Campaign to Ban Guns:

1. I want to ban small guns because they are small.
2. I want to ban large guns because they are large.
3. I want to ban medium sized guns which fire what are defined as intermediate ammunition because I believe people who own these weapons are taking advantage of the small and large gun ban loop hole.
4. I want to ban any gun which can be fitted with optics because they then become sniper weapons which can kill from over a mile away.
5. I want to ban all toy guns because they teach kids to murder and can be converted into real guns by filing down the firing pin.
6. I want to see the 2nd Amendment repealed, all guns seized by force so we can move on to banning bladed weaponry and blunt objects.

In closing, I have spent countless hours being mentored by Paul Helmke, Dennis Henigan, Peter Hamm, Doug Pennington and Zach Ragbourne. I feel that I understand the culture of the Brady Campaign and wish to join your team.

P.S. I realize that this, like all your job openings, is un unpaid position…but, do you have any photos of Sarah Brady’s feet???

Attention to details

Some of you know where I work and we are going through yet another “workforce reduction” followed by the infamous woofer program. I know you don’t know what woofer is, but we all do. It sucks. We’re losing a lot of good people who are being lured by a right nice early retirement bonus. Those that will be left will have to pick up the pieces and fill all the gaps created.

So just as we gun fetishist loon cakes like to prepare for the worst in the ultimate sense, we also tend to look for “Plan B’s” in life in general.

What if I lose my job?

So I’m cruising the Brady Bunch site and ogling their “job opportunities,” making a short list based on the qualifications criteria. Here are direct quotes followed by my commentary.

Qualifications

 1. Well organized with good attention to details
2. Excellent interpersonal and communication (both verbal and written) skills
3. A strong team orientation
4. High level of initiative

Hmmm…I notice that there should be a full colon after the word “Qualifications,”  each numbered item is an incomplete sentence with no punctuation and that #1 is indented past #’s 2, 3 & 4. Attention to details ya know.

Qualifications:
A law degree from an accredited law school. (Law students who have not yet graduated will be considered for internship positions.) The ideal candidate will have a creative and able legal mind, persuasive and clear writing skills, and an interest in preventing deaths and injuries caused by guns. Fellows should work well with others, be self-motivated, focused, and bring a pleasant attitude to the office.

Here we see the full colon where it’s not needed as the text which follows is not a simple list.

Qualifications 


1) Ability to write clearly, concisely and creatively. 
2) Excellent interpersonal and communication (both verbal and written) skills. 
3) A strong team orientation. 
4) High level of initiative.

Now we see “Qualifications” not in bold, the full colon absent and the periods which were previously following the numbers moved to the end of an incomplete sentence while being replaced by a bracket.

Last but not least…

Interns should have the ability to:


1) Conceptualize, shoot, and edit digital videos quickly, sometimes on a daily basis 
2) Translate concepts, statistics, and written materials into visual presentations 
3) Excellent interpersonal and communication (both verbal and written) skills
4) A strong team orientation
5) High level of initiative.

The word “Qualifications” has been replaced entirely, the third comma used should actually be a semi colon, and the brackets all survive yet only #5 ends in a period.

Am I nitpicking? Yes. But I believe it’s indicative of the Brady Bunch as a whole.

Do they have multiple unpaid interns crafting the Help Wanted section for other unpaid jobs or is just one doofus crafting the Help Wanted section who doesn’t even meet the qualifications criteria?

My next post will be my resume submission to the Brady Campaign.

kaveman 2.0

Hmmm, how to begin, again. First of all thanks to Thirdpower for extending the invitation to come back as a co-blogger on DOOT. The circumstances of my departure were not ideal. I don’t want to dwell on it, but it’s something that needs to be said.

I made several extremely crude and offensive comments(even by my standards) towards Ladd Everitt on another forum, I honestly can’t remember which one and I received a very well deserved thrashing by some people I have never met but respect a great deal nonetheless. I was given the opportunity to apologize on DOOT and several other blogs and I thought about it for a while but just could not bring myself to do it.

I was done.

I quit reading the gun blogs, I quit reading the anti blogs and I quit thinking about the issue almost entirely…almost.

I’m not going to offer excuses, I’m not going to try to justify my words because after all is said and done, I sank to a level I normally and routinely criticize.

For what it’s worth, I apologize to Ladd Everitt and his ancestry.

I need to go back to my old style of telling stories; using satire and humor rather than ad hom attacks…and that’s what I intend to do.

Fender benders & gun fights

For anyone who has wasted their time reading my posts here on DOOT knows that most of my recent stuff is satire. If you can’t tell which of my posts are honest accounts versus which are satire, you probably shouldn’t be visiting this site in the first place. Nor should you be allowed to own sharp objects, vote or have children.

But in the spirit of people warning me(numerous times) to post a “spew alert” before I share my brand of humor, I thought it might be necessary to inform readers when I’m actually telling them something real.

This is real.

I stop by the grocery store after work today to buy wet cat food, kitty litter, Walla Walla onions, green beans, potatoes and some calamari.

That’s what the recipe said I needed. See, that part there is satire, the rest is real.

So I’m at the checkout and every employee is either looking outside the front window or peeking outside the door into the parking lot. One of them comes back in walking alongside a woman who looks to be in her mid-sixties, approaches to within 2 feet of where I’m standing and gets on the intercom and requests that the person who owns a black Honda Accord come to the front of the store.

I calmly replied, “I’m already here.”

The woman immediately apologized and informed me that she just backed into my car, damaging my fender.

“I do have insurance so we can take care of this once you’re done paying for your groceries.”, she said.

She looked me straight in the eye and spoke with a demeanor that told me she was good people.

I asked her if anyone was hurt.

She said, “No, I wasn’t going very fast.”

I told her I wasn’t overly concerned because my car has over 250,000 miles on it. Not really worth getting insurance companies involved.

She insisted that I inspect the damage before making any decisions.

So I grab my groceries and open the door for her to exit. We walk out and she points out the “damage.”

I have some white paint scrapes on my bumper, not my fender. No dents, no nothing. I bend down, wipe off the paint scrape with my sleeve and stand up to face her.

I said, “I’ll tell ya what, if you give me a hug, we’ll call it good.”

She hugged me like I was one of her own Grandkids and said Thank You.

I told her to have a nice weekend and we parted ways.

In the eyes of the gun-grabbers, I should have shot her in the face, killed the other occupants of her car, slaughtered all the witnesses in the store, walked across the street and shot up the elementary school and then launched into a vitriolic triad about homosexuals and “dark people” while looking for government agents to snipe off.

But I printed out this recipe for battered calamari at work today and it sounded especially yummy.
The moral of the story is something the antis will never fathom. We are armed and walking amongst you every day. You pass us on the sidewalk. You sit next to us at the theater. You order appetizers while we’re ordering mains. You read our bumper stickers at the stop light.

And if your lucky, you might even back into our vehicles and get a big ol’ fat bear hug which puts a smile on your face and gives you a good story to tell when you get home, safe and sound.

This is real.

A day in the life...

So I managed to score an internship at the Brady Campaign out here on the West Coast with their MMM chapter in Eugene, Oregon. I put in 2 hours each day, unpaid of course, after a real job which allows me the financial freedom to spend my free time exploring…uh…interesting creatures.

After receiving the “50 cent tour” of their basement facilities by someone I couldn’t guess the gender of, I was briefed on what the average day consisted of in support of gun-control.

I work my usual 8-9 hours at a paying gig and show up at 3:30pm…

3:30-3:32.……the proverbial 2-minute hate where we all sit naked in a circle and swear like drunken sailors about the NRA while burning incense and melting butter with our body heat. I like swearing for proper emphasis and enjoyed teaching them a few new renditions of themselves. As far as the smell of burning sage/rosemary and clinching a cold cube of “I can’t believe it’s not illegal” between my butt-cheeks, I was actually starting to wonder if I had taken the wrong path in defending the COTUS.

3:32-4:00pm is spent doing google searches for “CCW murders” and “racist Tea-party horse sex.” I asked a question about that second one but dropped the matter after they snatched away my cube of butter.

4:00-4:15pm is spent on the philosophical implications of a coinciding 10% unemployment rate with the fact that the Brady Bunch can’t find a new CEO. I chimed in that perhaps a $250,000 salary for saying stuff easily refuted by other stuff said by the exact same person wasn’t really a winning strategy.

4:15-4:30pm is spent patting ourselves on the back for being merged with the Brady Campaign rather than suffering the total humiliation of being part of the VPC or CSGV.

4:30-4:45pm is spent editing videos to hide the number of audience members at gun-control events and their applause.

4:45-5:00pm is spent weeping uncontrollably.

I was told that I could advance to a paid position of I could crap my pants on demand in front of some theoretical camera…and find someone to pay for it.

So that’s where I’m at folks. I try to post when the mood suits me, but if I have the opportunity to practice pinching a loaf in my shorts for cash…well…you’re just gonna have to wait until this gold mine pans out dry.

Uhmmmmmm….butter.

Gun Culture for dummies

So my Father called me last Sunday…

Father: Hey son, do you have a .410 shotgun I could borrow. The moles are back in force and a 12 gauge is a bit much.

Me: Indeed I do; would you like a long gun or a pistol you could attach to the John Deere while you’re mowing the lawn?

Father: I prefer a long gun so I can walk up on their holes and shoot them while they’re digging: I can see them pushing up dirt. The shot might not reach them but the percussion wave has a funny way of making them die. Did you end up with Mom’s shotgun?

Me: Yes and no. Grandma left the gun to Mom and then she gave it to me. Do you want me to bring it out to you?

Father: Is it 2.75” or 3” full? I need to know which ammo to buy.

Me: It’s 3” full and I’ll bring you a box of shells with it, you don’t need to buy anything.

Father: Well OK, that would be great. Do you need any firewood?

Me: I’m fine on kindling and Fir but running a bit low on Oak if you have any to spare.

Father: I can hook you up and not even notice.

Me: Cool, I’ll stop by next week and drop off Grandma’s shotgun. It’s the one she used to shoot rattle snakes with basking in the sun under her clothes line.

Father: Oh yeah, I remember that.

I will be the next CEO at Brady

So I applied for the job as chief turd at the Brady Bunch. I thought I'd share my kick-ass resume in order to benefit those who don't know how to massage their skill set and work experience into something that exudes pure awesomeness.

An Opportunity under Consideration...
You have expressed interest in the following opportunity:
CEO
Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence
Opportunity: DE452
(You responded on Oct 2, 2011)

Introduction:

Greetings, my name is Mike Hawk and I would be honored to be considered for the position of CEO of the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence. Let me tell you straight up, Mike Hawk is what you're looking for. You will love and embrace Mike Hawk. My former business will be sad to see Mike Hawk leave, but Mike Hawk is always looking for a new challenge. I hope the Brady Campaign will be Mike Hawk's next endeavor.

Career History:
1989-1991...Lead shovel-man of horse feces on a small farm. I was also the resident expert on collecting chicken crap, pig poop, and cow patties along with a wide variety of urine soaked hay. I dabbled in animal husbandry a bit until my employer found out and fired me. After that I took a few years off to smoke weed.

2000-2006...Scored a major hook-up at McDonalds making the fries and cleaning the toilets. I got so efficient at it that I could do both at the same time. My manager failed to see the brilliance of using raw potatoes and their natural acidity to sterilize the skid marks on the seats and they fired me.

2006-present…I got a job where I get wheel-barrels full of cash to post offensive and untruthful comments on Huffington Post articles. It’s a pretty easy gig but it’s kinda boring. I’d much rather spout offensive and untruthful comments on a National level, hence my interest in the Brady Campaign.

Education:
I’m the smartest most awesome intellect the universe has ever produced. Anyone who thinks otherwise is an idiot of the highest order.

Certifications:
I am 100% certified awesome.

Languages:
Yes, I speak language. I occasionally read language as well but I prefer picture books.

International Experience:

I have had sexual relations with Arabian Horses, Chinese Crested dogs, African hippos, Canadian Moose, Mexican cacti and British women. Ya, Mike Hawk is that awesome.

Geographic preference:
Uh, earth?

Compensation:
I am willing to perform the duties of CEO for your organization for minimum wage and a few photos of Sarah Brady in a thong and an unlimited supply of Kleenex.


Thank you for considering me for this opportunity. I sincerely believe that when you measure my qualifications against all the hordes of others applying for this position, you will come to the inescapable conclusion that Mike Hawk will be on top.