Sunday, October 2, 2011

I will be the next CEO at Brady

So I applied for the job as chief turd at the Brady Bunch. I thought I'd share my kick-ass resume in order to benefit those who don't know how to massage their skill set and work experience into something that exudes pure awesomeness.

An Opportunity under Consideration...
You have expressed interest in the following opportunity:
Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence
Opportunity: DE452
(You responded on Oct 2, 2011)


Greetings, my name is Mike Hawk and I would be honored to be considered for the position of CEO of the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence. Let me tell you straight up, Mike Hawk is what you're looking for. You will love and embrace Mike Hawk. My former business will be sad to see Mike Hawk leave, but Mike Hawk is always looking for a new challenge. I hope the Brady Campaign will be Mike Hawk's next endeavor.

Career History:
1989-1991...Lead shovel-man of horse feces on a small farm. I was also the resident expert on collecting chicken crap, pig poop, and cow patties along with a wide variety of urine soaked hay. I dabbled in animal husbandry a bit until my employer found out and fired me. After that I took a few years off to smoke weed.

2000-2006...Scored a major hook-up at McDonalds making the fries and cleaning the toilets. I got so efficient at it that I could do both at the same time. My manager failed to see the brilliance of using raw potatoes and their natural acidity to sterilize the skid marks on the seats and they fired me.

2006-present…I got a job where I get wheel-barrels full of cash to post offensive and untruthful comments on Huffington Post articles. It’s a pretty easy gig but it’s kinda boring. I’d much rather spout offensive and untruthful comments on a National level, hence my interest in the Brady Campaign.

I’m the smartest most awesome intellect the universe has ever produced. Anyone who thinks otherwise is an idiot of the highest order.

I am 100% certified awesome.

Yes, I speak language. I occasionally read language as well but I prefer picture books.

International Experience:

I have had sexual relations with Arabian Horses, Chinese Crested dogs, African hippos, Canadian Moose, Mexican cacti and British women. Ya, Mike Hawk is that awesome.

Geographic preference:
Uh, earth?

I am willing to perform the duties of CEO for your organization for minimum wage and a few photos of Sarah Brady in a thong and an unlimited supply of Kleenex.

Thank you for considering me for this opportunity. I sincerely believe that when you measure my qualifications against all the hordes of others applying for this position, you will come to the inescapable conclusion that Mike Hawk will be on top.

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Joel said...

That's "Equine Excrement Engineer," not "shovel-man."

You're welcome. :-)

Robert Fowler said...

You can come by and clean my screen now.