So, I decided to test out Oregon’s new background check system. The phone number is available to individuals so my buddy came over and we decided to have some fun.
The fuzz: Hello, OSP here, what can I do for you?
Kaveman: Just need to temporarily transfer a firearm to my buddy.
The fuzz: So you’re not selling the gun to him?
Kaveman: No, he just wants to see if it fits his hand and test the trigger pull and then go buy a new one if he likes it.
The fuzz: Well………….you don’t really need to do a background check for that.
Kaveman: Oh, yes I do. I’ve read the legislation, have you?
The fuzz: “sigh”……….ya, but, oh never mind, let’s get started.
Kaveman: This is my first time going through this process so be gentle with me.
The fuzz: What’s the recipient’s name and address?
Kaveman: His name is Mike Hawk and he’s homeless.
The fuzz: I need an address.
Kaveman: Well, he has a P.O. Box, will that work?
The fuzz: Uhh………..yeah sure.
The fuzz: I also need your name and address.
Kaveman: My name is kaveman and I own more than one property and live in both an equal amount of time each year.
The fuzz: Where do you receive your mail at?
Kaveman: A P.O. Box.
The: “sigh”…………OK, give me that.
The fuzz: What’s the make, model and serial number of the firearm? Also need the caliber.
Kaveman: It’s a blued steel revolver and holds 6 rounds. Long skinny ones.
The fuzz: No, I need the name of the company who makes it, the model designation, the serial number and the caliber of the ammunition it uses.
Kaveman: Oh, OK…Wal-Mart, it’s called a “blue light special,” and it says “Single-six” on the receiver. The ammunition is the exact same size as my penis, which I’m posting a picture of on your face-book page now.
The fuzz: “sigh” Sir, I understand what you’re doing and I can’t say I blame you. I disagree with this stupid law just as much as you do, possibly even more so since this is now my job instead of working in the community doing something positive which is why I became a police officer to begin with. Having said that, the law is in place, no one is going to actually enforce it and making prank phone calls which ties up police services is a prosecutable offense which we are inclined and motivated to pursue.
Kaveman: So, are saying that I have permission from OSP to ignore “941” in its entirety?
The fuzz: No, I’m saying we won’t enforce the law.
Kaveman: What’s the difference?
The fuzz: The difference is that some pieces of paper make some very ignorant people feel safer while nothing actually changes in the meat world.
Kaveman: Will you click the “like” button on my penis picture?
The fuzz: That’s a picture of half an earthworm, sir, and this phone call is being recorded.
Kaveman: Cool, I’m recording it as well. Now I’m going to send a copy to every member of Oregon’s legislature, thanks for playing along.