You can thank me later.

Been lots of debate concerning CCW lately from all corners. I thought it might be nice to share my thoughts so that others soon to enjoy this Right can benefit from what I’ve learned.

Basically, obtaining a CCW permit turns you into a cop without all the hassle of paperwork, wearing a uniform or an Internal Affairs department sniffing your crotch every time you smoke one of the little people. We don’t receive a paycheck, so there is a trade off but, I’ve found that robbing people at gun point can provide a nice supplementary income to my regular 9 to 5. Not as easy as it used to be with everyone carrying plastic instead of cash so there is the extra work of kidnapping and a quick trip to the ATM. But when considering that I can set my own hours and don’t have any dispatchers bothering me about some other poor schlep’s situation, CCW is a pretty sweet deal. Why someone would actually go to school and pay the enormous expense to become a uniformed LEO totally escapes me when they could have just spent $115 and sat through a 5 hour class at the range.

Being able to legally murder anybody who so much as give me the stink-eye gives me a sense of purpose in life. I know it may sound weird, but I also think it makes my wiener look bigger, which is why I’m an advocate for open carry as well since this allows me to strut my stuff and intimidate at the same time.

There are several other benefits as well, if you know how to exploit the loopholes.

1. While I can not legally write a traffic ticket, I can legally pull over another driver in a fit of road rage and threaten to shoot them in the face unless they give me $20. I do this quite a bit, except when it’s raining.

2. While I can not seek a search warrant from a judge, I can legally just walk around town and kick in doors until I find what I’m looking for. This is where I really wish I could call for back-up because some of those big screen TVs are frickin’ heavy.

3. The cops in my area score free donuts and coffee at any establishment that offers them and I get the same benefit just by brandishing my firearm and spitting while I scream. I like caramel mochas and scones with mint jelly. Most of my regulars know this and hence I rarely have to even ask anymore.

4. Technically, rape is still illegal for me(I know, I mean give me a break!) but I’m all good as long as I shoot and kill my victim, uh… I mean date as long as I blah blah blah about how she was thrusting towards me in a threatening manner. Timing is everything here because I ain’t no sicko.

The major drawback for me is that I’m not issued a squad car and I have to buy my own guns and ammo, or go through the hassle of stealing this crap from the proles.

But at the end of the day, my duty to PROTECT myself and SERVE my own interests fills me with an inner joy, knowing that I’m doing my part to make my world a better place.